How to please your Woman

Previously by Thomas P Flanagan:

All you girls out there, follow this handy information to send your man wild! He will be so happy that he may even cuddle you after your few minutes of disappointing loveplay.

Since posting that column, I have come under some criticism for the chauvinist aspects of the piece, and have been told I’m completely wrong. So here, for your entertainment, is the absolute reverse.

1. Under no circumstances are you to ask for sex. This arouses contempt in the heart of your woman. Sex will be portioned out in direct relation to how much money you spend.

2. Take her shopping. By purchasing assorted things for your woman, she will repay by allowing your to put your penis somewhere warm.

3. Take her shopping again.

4. Cook her a meal. This strange role reversal operates a switch in the woman, where she begins to thing like a man and desires sex.

5. Don’t talk dirty. In fact, it’s probably better if you don’t talk at all. Unless you’re saying thank you.

6. Take her shopping. Again.

7. If you’re enjoying yourself, she probably isn’t. Under no circumstances are you to have any fun. Ever.

8. Just do what she says. You don’t understand how anything on her body works. Use the manual.

9. Romance is your friend. Make wherever your moments of sex occur a nice place to be. Y’know, clean.

10. Under no circumstance are you to ever write a column explaining in various points that women are shopping obsessed sex haters. This will shit up your chances of getting laid for the next 17 years.

Californication

‘The thinking goes that if you watch the glittering world you’ll feel like a part of it, even though you aren’t of course, you’re just a pleb gawping at a box.’ – Charlie Brooker

There’s something about American TV which just follows the same formula constantly, usually portraying the wealthy and beautiful, with barely a glimpse of anybody vaguely normal looking.

Enter gruesome shitfest Californication, an American drama following the truly terrible life of Hank Moody (played by David Duchovny), a Bukowski-esque writer and womaniser.

Here is where we find the main problem with the show. It’s impossible to feel sympathy for Hank whenever anything bad happens to him, as the majority of his life consists of being a rich, unlovable prick who has sex with many attractive women.

It’s an increasingly common problem on English TV that American drivel is being pumped directly at us, Californication being a more recent example, and the current figurehead of aspirational TV.

Aspirational TV, the ultimate ‘Fuck you’ injected into the eyes of mainstream public. Portraying those with blessed lives is a great way of distracting us peasants from our dreary lives of work, rain, and not living in California having sex with nubile young women.

It can be easily compared to the girl-focussed arsepile ‘Sex and the City’, only the focus is on fake tits and booze, not latex dicks and shoes. Both centre around writers and their nauseating, unpleasant friends, and seem to assume that everybody will sympathise with the problems depicted, despite most of the issues addressed having all the inconvenience of having to buy Pepsi instead of Coca Cola.

Californication then: A great script ruined by the fact that everybody within the show is a dislikeable bellend.