How to Understand and Answer Your Partner

February 2, 2011

Whilst another post on this topic is like pissing into a sea of piss after the polar pisscaps have melted and Kevin Costner has evolved gills, I’m going to try and explain how to understand the opposite sex.

The system will be simple. The statement will go first, followed by options for men, then women. Right.

“I’m fine”
This is a simple statement, often false in its nature.

Men:  Your options here are simple. Either simpering, grovelling and spending time/money/effort to console your woman, or saying “OK” and letting the resentment build.
Women: If women’s magazines are to be believed, your man is lying.  Assume he’s cheating on you and exact revenge in a furious yet comical way that a man would be imprisoned for.

"I'm fine"

“I don’t mind what we do”
Again a falsehood.

Men: She really really does mind what you do, but as she’s said this take the opportunity to request steaks, beer, football, going out with the lads, violent films,  fellatio, or any combination of the above. Let resentment build.
Women: Get angry when he hasn’t suggested the thing you wanted to do. He should know what you want to do, and his failure to suggest this means he didn’t get the universal man memo that he’s not allowed to say or do what he likes.

Sometimes, extreme measures must be taken.

“. . .”
The dreaded silence. Bad in 99% of all cases.

Men: Silence is bad. Fill the silence by whistling the theme to “Bridge Over the River Kwai.”
Women: Silence is bad. Fill the silence by starting an argument on him not interested in talking any more. Again, he is not allowed to say anything derogatory about you, soon to be made legal by the 2011 Andy Gray Act. *

In Space, no-one can hear you argue.

“We don’t talk any more.”
A product of silence.

Men: Stay silent. Women often say they like a man with a sense of humour, and this is comedy gold.
Women:  Accuse him of not understanding you.

"We don't talk any more"

“You don’t understand me”
A regular argument.

Men: Speak in tongues.
Women: Learn to speak in tongues.

"English Motherfucker, do you speak it?"

*Andy Gray Act 2011: Parliamentary Act dictating that men cannot say anything bad about women. Despite this, Loose Women continues to broadcast, and Jo Brand is still allowed to perform her highly creative and varied stand up routine.

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