So it seems a lot of men have no idea what women actually want, making some fairly serious mistakes in the whole dating game. So here’s some advice on how to get a woman interested. There will be a corresponding post for women wanting to attract men too. So don’t panic.

Step One: Picking your woman

It is important to know what you’re aiming for. Why do you think serial killers are more popular that spree killers? They take their time, it’s a very caring approach. Say for example, you are at a bar. Instead of trying to attract every woman there, sit at the bar, staring at one of them. Time your cigarette breaks, so when she goes outside, you follow. Similar with going to the toilet, wait for her to go, even if you don’t need to. While in the men’s, wait to hear the hand drier before you leave, so you will exit at approximately the same time. This shows the care and attention you possess. It is important to stare at her constantly, never breaking eye contact, This shows persistence.

Image

This is the seductive look you need to go for. Chanting: “Ave Satani” is advised.

Step Two: Breaking the ice

It’s important to say the right thing. Assuming you followed the advice in step one, she should now be aware of your attention. The standard reaction to this will be to hide amongst her friends. This is a test of your courage. To impress her, you must get through this group of friends. There are a few methods of doing this. The best is to have a team of wingmen, equal in number to her friends, all utilising the same methods. Other methods include politely asking her if she would like a drink or a dance (This never works, more on this later), sobbing into your pint (women love sensitive guys) or, best of all, soaking everything in petrol and torching the place. This shows your burning passion.

Image

The Ultimate Wingmen. Bitches love fire.

Step Three: Be Assertive

It is widely known that confidence is sexy. So once the victim lady is talking to you, you now need to impress her. She may ask a variety of questions, the most common of which are:

Who are you?
Why did you set fire to my friends?
Stop or I’m calling to police.

The best reaction to this is to laugh like a madman until your throat bleeds. Women love a man with a sense of humour.

Image

This is the kind of sexy smile which guarantees success

Step Four: Moving On

If you’ve followed my advice so far, you should have no problem finding somewhere the two of you can be alone. The simple question: “Would you like to see my van?” should suffice, but as mentioned earlier confidence is key. Thus the phrase: “Get in the van if you know what’s good for you” is recommended. This lets her know you are in control, and that good things will follow.

Presto, how to attract a woman!

Image

Seems Legit

Before we begin, a quick recap is in order. Bournemouth Unplugged started with 30 musicians all tasked with playing a set of fully original songs.
 
This has now been whittled down to 20, who must now include a cover in their sets. 
 
On 16th April, five of the remaining musicians played, so we pick up approximately halfway through the competition, with Hannah Robinson kicking off Round 2, Heat 2.
 
If you’ve ever heard the phenomenal “Paint it Blue” Hannah should be a familiar voice. Unlike her blues work with the band, her solo writing is of a slower, folkier style, although still with her Motown inspired voice (Those too young to know Motown, think Amy Winehouse) which is best shown off during her cover of The Clash’s “Should I Stay or Should I Go.” This is unfortunately at the expense of some guitar proficiency, which is corrected with the addition of a second guitar and a cajón (A Peruvian box/drum) which fills out the sound perfectly, especially with penultimate song “Monster.”

Tim “Afroninja” Somerfield comes next, so named because he has an afro, and presumably a whole wardrobe full of martial arts black belts. His set can be summed up simply as laid back angst, although experimentation with a loop pedal works well for him, resulting in a sound best described as acoustic Iron Maiden. His choice of cover, the Foo Fighters’ “Everlong” goes down well amongst the crowd, although it is not as strong as his original music.

Louise Wade provides a very rock and blues based set, and at the same time manages to screw up the heads of most of the crowd through one of the most inventive publicity stunts ever seen. On entry, the audience are asked which act they’re here to see. Those who arrived to see Louise were rewarded with glow-sticks and “rainbow specs”, the later of which has to be experienced to be believed, but could be described as watching a Pink Floyd light show through a kaleidoscope. Her best moment is undoubtedly one of her original songs: “Love to be Lonely”, for which she is joined by a djembe (African rum) player and a tambourine player.

After these three very strong acts, Tom Clements unfortunately doesn’t stand out quite so much, despite his excellent guitar and vocal work. He does manage one of the stronger covers of the night however, using a loop pedal to play a version of Dire Straits’ “Sultans of Swing” that Mark Knopfler would be proud of.

Unfortunately, Johnny Neeson closes a night of upbeat, generally happy music. A superb guitarist and a great vocalist, Johnny plays a set bleak acoustic rap which doesn’t suit the laid back atmosphere, and on the whole is an incredible mood breaker. A cover of The Doors’ “Spanish Caravan” is the musical high point of the night, but still doesn’t completely fit. 

This originally appeared here: http://www.bournemouthecho.co.uk/leisure/reviews/9684191.Krista_Green__understated_confidence_shines_through/

 

However, I wrote it, and need to do something with this blog. Here is the unedited version.

 

Krista Green is one of the nicest people in the known world. Slightly behind Michael Palin in fact.
 
She specialises in soft, gentle, poppy folk, has a voice as soft as a marshmallow massage, and sings about love and peace and general happiness.This makes it very difficult to say anything bad about her, but thankfully that’s not needed as she is incredibly good at what she does.
 
Friday night’s gig at the Portsmouth Hoy was one of the stronger ones she’s played, showcasing a mix of original music and covers, all of which seemed perfectly chosen. There were some definite stand-out moments however, including spot on covers of The Black Keys’ “Tighten Up”, All Green’s “Let’s Stay Together” and Free’s “Alright Now”, the last of which had the crowd abandoning their pints to join in.
 
Krista’s main strength however, lies in the quality of her original songs, which have lyrics more akin to poetry than pop songs, for example “Cherry Pie”, which is as sweet as a vat of Smarties, and the heartbreaking “Barry’s Song”, which could have the most cynical individuals needing a few moments to compose themselves.
 
An old hand of the local scene in Bournemouth, she performs with an understated confidence, allowing her natural, somewhat ditzy personality to shine through while she talks to the crowd. 
 
It might have been thought that the Portsmouth Hoy would be a bad venue for Krista. It has to be said that she’d fit in better playing some sunny outdoor stage while hippie girls make daisy chains and beatnik boys try to distract them, but she wins most of the venue with little trouble, even getting the hard drinking tattooed dudes at the bar to stop talking about rugby and birds, and have a bit of a singalong instead.