So it seems a lot of men have no idea what women actually want, making some fairly serious mistakes in the whole dating game. So here’s some advice on how to get a woman interested. There will be a corresponding post for women wanting to attract men too. So don’t panic.

Step One: Picking your woman

It is important to know what you’re aiming for. Why do you think serial killers are more popular that spree killers? They take their time, it’s a very caring approach. Say for example, you are at a bar. Instead of trying to attract every woman there, sit at the bar, staring at one of them. Time your cigarette breaks, so when she goes outside, you follow. Similar with going to the toilet, wait for her to go, even if you don’t need to. While in the men’s, wait to hear the hand drier before you leave, so you will exit at approximately the same time. This shows the care and attention you possess. It is important to stare at her constantly, never breaking eye contact, This shows persistence.

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This is the seductive look you need to go for. Chanting: “Ave Satani” is advised.

Step Two: Breaking the ice

It’s important to say the right thing. Assuming you followed the advice in step one, she should now be aware of your attention. The standard reaction to this will be to hide amongst her friends. This is a test of your courage. To impress her, you must get through this group of friends. There are a few methods of doing this. The best is to have a team of wingmen, equal in number to her friends, all utilising the same methods. Other methods include politely asking her if she would like a drink or a dance (This never works, more on this later), sobbing into your pint (women love sensitive guys) or, best of all, soaking everything in petrol and torching the place. This shows your burning passion.

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The Ultimate Wingmen. Bitches love fire.

Step Three: Be Assertive

It is widely known that confidence is sexy. So once the victim lady is talking to you, you now need to impress her. She may ask a variety of questions, the most common of which are:

Who are you?
Why did you set fire to my friends?
Stop or I’m calling to police.

The best reaction to this is to laugh like a madman until your throat bleeds. Women love a man with a sense of humour.

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This is the kind of sexy smile which guarantees success

Step Four: Moving On

If you’ve followed my advice so far, you should have no problem finding somewhere the two of you can be alone. The simple question: “Would you like to see my van?” should suffice, but as mentioned earlier confidence is key. Thus the phrase: “Get in the van if you know what’s good for you” is recommended. This lets her know you are in control, and that good things will follow.

Presto, how to attract a woman!

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Seems Legit

Well, first things first, sorry for the delay. You know how it goes, you try to keep a blog, and immediately you get distracted by spending your riches, tuning your ’69 Firebird, and the hordes of women keep badgering you for sex, so you don’t get time to type up rubbish.

I've been practicing genetic surgery too. Haven't made a flying pig yet

But apologies aside, time for another advice column!

How to get good Customer Service

Everybody, at some point in their life, needs to phone a call centre, in order to sort out whatever problems they appear to have. This is a tradition which dates back to Ancient Egypt, when even the Pharaohs would shout abuse at some poor sod who really doesn’t give a shit about how they’d ordered a Pyramid, and been built something completely different.

Being buried under a prawn doesn't have the same level of dignity apparently

But here is how to be assured of some genuine help:

Be nice. Strange as it may seem, the person answering the phone is just like you. Chances are they have their own hopes, dreams, loves and losses, just like all of us, and unless his ambition as a child was to be shouted at from dawn until dusk, while trying to learn from Charles Manson’s mistakes, he doesn’t want to be on the phone just as much as you. So the resentment in his voice is completely understandable.

Above: The average call centre employee

Have everything ready. I cannot stress this enough. Picture yourself at a nice restaurant. You go to place your order, and the serving wench must scoot off to find a notepad. She comes back and realises she needs a pen. While on these extended trips you hear her cursing your very existence. This is what the average call centre slave goes through all day, but they don’t have a nice meal to look forward to as a result. Just sorting out your silly problem.

Speak clearly. This may seem an obvious suggestion, but for a poor skivvy chained to a phone, it is an important one. Most places will assign you a customer number or something similar. While to you it may not seem important (“I’ve told him my name’s John Smith, can’t he find me using that?!”) to the aforementioned skivvy, it makes life much easier. As such, mumbling such details will not win you any friends.

This man has an excuse to not speak clearly. You are unlikely to be the rightful King of France, so you do not.

Call at a logical time. Think about driving somewhere. You really, really want to get to your destination. Maybe you have a train to catch, maybe your wife is putting out for the one time this year, or maybe you have only a few minutes to save the orphans from Dr Sinister and his Machine of Death, whatever. The traffic light you know only changes for 8 nanoseconds has just flashed onto green. Now you have to wait as the swine in front of you doesn’t notice the change. Then there is rage. This is what happens at 4:59pm in call centres. The skivvy just wants to catch their train/save the orphans, and when you call at the last minute, you are personally endangering the poor children.

Now you have learned how to be assured of good customer service. Follow these simple rules, and the employee you’re talking to will still think you’re a dick, but might be a bit more efficient about dealing with your rubbish problem.

Whilst another post on this topic is like pissing into a sea of piss after the polar pisscaps have melted and Kevin Costner has evolved gills, I’m going to try and explain how to understand the opposite sex.

The system will be simple. The statement will go first, followed by options for men, then women. Right.

“I’m fine”
This is a simple statement, often false in its nature.

Men:  Your options here are simple. Either simpering, grovelling and spending time/money/effort to console your woman, or saying “OK” and letting the resentment build.
Women: If women’s magazines are to be believed, your man is lying.  Assume he’s cheating on you and exact revenge in a furious yet comical way that a man would be imprisoned for.

"I'm fine"

“I don’t mind what we do”
Again a falsehood.

Men: She really really does mind what you do, but as she’s said this take the opportunity to request steaks, beer, football, going out with the lads, violent films,  fellatio, or any combination of the above. Let resentment build.
Women: Get angry when he hasn’t suggested the thing you wanted to do. He should know what you want to do, and his failure to suggest this means he didn’t get the universal man memo that he’s not allowed to say or do what he likes.

Sometimes, extreme measures must be taken.

“. . .”
The dreaded silence. Bad in 99% of all cases.

Men: Silence is bad. Fill the silence by whistling the theme to “Bridge Over the River Kwai.”
Women: Silence is bad. Fill the silence by starting an argument on him not interested in talking any more. Again, he is not allowed to say anything derogatory about you, soon to be made legal by the 2011 Andy Gray Act. *

In Space, no-one can hear you argue.

“We don’t talk any more.”
A product of silence.

Men: Stay silent. Women often say they like a man with a sense of humour, and this is comedy gold.
Women:  Accuse him of not understanding you.

"We don't talk any more"

“You don’t understand me”
A regular argument.

Men: Speak in tongues.
Women: Learn to speak in tongues.

"English Motherfucker, do you speak it?"

*Andy Gray Act 2011: Parliamentary Act dictating that men cannot say anything bad about women. Despite this, Loose Women continues to broadcast, and Jo Brand is still allowed to perform her highly creative and varied stand up routine.

How to Travel With a Woman

September 10, 2010

About a week ago, I got back from Dublin, having been there with my girlfriend. Through this, I have learnt a few things about travelling with a woman. Here are those most vital things:

  1. Everything is your fault. If you’re walking back to the hotel and the Hubble Space Telescope falls from the sky, crushing the bridge you were about to cross, it’s your fault. If dinosaurs come back to life and consume the meal she was about to eat, it’s your fault.
  2. When it comes to picking a restaurant, it’s your job to pick. If the food is good, then you are lucky. If not, it’s your fault. You should know the place better than you know how to breathe, even if you’ve never been to the city before.
  3. When they time inevitably comes for your woman to complain about some small problem with the hotel, you will be the one actually vocalising the complaint to the poor sod at reception. It is recommended in this situation to get something for free in order to pacify the woman.
  4. You are not allowed to climb things. This is apparently childish.
  5. Cracking any joke at the airport is forbidden. In fact, talking is frowned upon, and customs turns into a modern day, chrome coated version of Colditz. You may give Name, rank, and serial number. Good luck Ginger.
  6. The woman will expect you to read the map. When you attempt to do so, memorise every street within 4 seconds. At this time the map will be snatched from you and all navigation rights will be removed.
  7. Be careful when it comes to waking up. This seemingly innocent act can severely anger your woman, and result in the removal of conjugal rights.
  8. Her bag will always weigh more than yours. Offer to carry it, but beware the inevitable hernia which will follow.
  9. When it comes to sightseeing, anything you find interesting will be deemed childish, pointless or boring. If it’s particularly good, it will be designated as all 3, and you will have to endure a shopping trip in which she looks at many things, and purchases nothing.
  10. Finally, when you are waiting at the airport to get back, don’t let her take you to baggage reclaim. She will walk straight past the brightly lit conveyor belt with a sign above with your flight number, and instead attempt to walk out of the airport without your luggage. This is of course, your fault.

Previously by Thomas P Flanagan:

All you girls out there, follow this handy information to send your man wild! He will be so happy that he may even cuddle you after your few minutes of disappointing loveplay.

Since posting that column, I have come under some criticism for the chauvinist aspects of the piece, and have been told I’m completely wrong. So here, for your entertainment, is the absolute reverse.

1. Under no circumstances are you to ask for sex. This arouses contempt in the heart of your woman. Sex will be portioned out in direct relation to how much money you spend.

2. Take her shopping. By purchasing assorted things for your woman, she will repay by allowing your to put your penis somewhere warm.

3. Take her shopping again.

4. Cook her a meal. This strange role reversal operates a switch in the woman, where she begins to thing like a man and desires sex.

5. Don’t talk dirty. In fact, it’s probably better if you don’t talk at all. Unless you’re saying thank you.

6. Take her shopping. Again.

7. If you’re enjoying yourself, she probably isn’t. Under no circumstances are you to have any fun. Ever.

8. Just do what she says. You don’t understand how anything on her body works. Use the manual.

9. Romance is your friend. Make wherever your moments of sex occur a nice place to be. Y’know, clean.

10. Under no circumstance are you to ever write a column explaining in various points that women are shopping obsessed sex haters. This will shit up your chances of getting laid for the next 17 years.

How to please your man

June 16, 2010

All you girls out there, follow this handy information to send your man wild! He will be so happy that he may even cuddle you after your few minutes of disappointing loveplay.

1. Every once in a while, decide to badger HIM for sex.

2. Beer. Or whisky. Or gin. Or rum. Or cider. Whatever his tipple is. Provided this isn’t a quickie before work, get him a drink after sex. He’ll be happy and hydrated.

3. Don’t wear socks during sex. He may not have a foot fetish, but he’ll still find it a bit strange. Stockings are ok though. Nobody knows why this is. Answers on a postcard.

4. Talking dirty. Just don’t take dirty talking to mean: “The kitchen’s a mess but we’re not going to clean it.” No matter how naughty it is, that’s the wrong sort of dirty.

5. Leave the lights on. Men are not rabbits, and have poor night vision. Unless you’re dating a member of the SAS, he won’t be able to find you. And as a result, he’ll learn desks are much less satisfying.

6. Don’t be too much of a couple around his mates. Seriously. Save “schnooky wookums cuteykins fluffy muffy wuv bundle” for when you’re alone. Unless of course your pet name for him is “Destroyer.”

7. Go on top. This leaves your man free to enjoy the sensations, and ponder the latest developments in the financial world. Or think about his football team.

8. Food. A common bit of fun, most men love this idea. After all, a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Just don’t drape yourself in steak.

9. Don’t dress up unless he asks. Whilst nurses are a common fantasy, in real life they tend to stab people with needles.

10. Imagine having sex on the beach. The stars above, the sound of the waves crashing on surf… Seashells scratching your bum, a dog taking a dump, and a nearby sailor getting his jollies watching you. Hmm.